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The Plush Review was published Friday, Feb. 2, 2001, in honor of  Lake County’s beloved Jim Lynch as he celebrated his 65th birthday. Thanks to our many contributors who helped make it happen.

Prominent attorney announces retirement at 99

BY ELLSWORTH M. TooHEY

SPECIAL TO THE ‘LUSH REVIEW

Rumors of the retirement of one of Lake County’s most prominent and aged attorneys were confirmed yesterday at a cocktail party hosted by socialite Nora Flynn.

Jim Cornelius Lynch, who practices law under the alias James C. Lynch, an­nounced his retirement official the day he turns 99.

One of Lakeview High School’s more stellar graduates, Lynch con­tinued his youthful stints in overachievement until 1957 when, as a junior at the University of Or­egon and an active member of the Alpha Tau Omega fraternity, it got way out of hand. First, he was elected student body president. Then, as if that weren’t enough, Lynch was awarded the coveted Koyl cup, the highest honor awarded to a UO junior. And then just for sport, after listening to his name being read as the outstanding student in academic, military and campus leadership life, he accepted the Quartermaster Association Award at the Army Air Force gradu­ation ceremony at Hayward Field, as well as a Superior Cadet Ribbon award as the outstanding student in his class. So why stop there? After 65 years of success in virtually ev­ery endeavor and tremendous im­pact upon the lives of which he has touched, Lynch finally decides to get out of the office and just relax.

By the way, for those of you who wouldn’t know such things, the Quartermaster Association Award is given annually to only ten outstand­ing cadets in the entire United States of America.

When asked what he will do with his time after retirement, Lynch stated, “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.” Sheesh, if only one could collect a quarter for each time he’s been quoted saying that.

Word on the street has it that Lynch would trade in his ol’ law degree for a white, 1960 Volvo, preferably one notably unfit for travel outside the city limits. Dr. Bill and Mrs. Lois Strieby confirm 1960 Volvos do have a tendency to stall on the way to their home. Dave and Ann Murphy confirm that Lynch has called their home several times to inquire after such a car.

The Murphys also noted that once, in the wee hours of a blizzardy morning after a New Year’s Eve bash at Phil Lynch’s home in Plush, they came upon Lynch, standing alongside the road, admiring his car which was parked in a snowbank. The Murphys waved and then drove right on by, never considering the sight of something like this odd un­til yesterday.

Rumors of Lynch’s fascination with old cars were confirmed by his sister, Breda Flynn, who never likes to miss a good cocktail party. Flynn recalls one particular time riding with her brothers in an old car they’d been tinkering with. They hit a bump, sending Flynn flying through the roof board. “Big con­cern for the roof – none whatso­ever for my head,” Flynn said.

Joseph McGowan of Poughkeepsie, NY, is still talking about the 1960 black Lark convertible with red leather interior that Lynch conned him into trading his old, gray Plymouth for in 1962. “The guy was relentless, ” McGowan said, “and ultimately, I had no choice and succumbed. Lynch had acquired a little gray Jag­uar sedan, quite a rarity at the time, and he insisted we dignify such youthful whims with good taste and impeccable style.”

John Milano collaborated McGowan’s story, confirming he purchased a red Fiat roadster to park next to the Jag and the Lark. Milano also whined that he was bullied into doing most of the cooking for the trio of bachelors.

“Yeah, and not only that but … hey, wait! Where are you going?”

Lynch said he hopes to escort his lovely wife, Eleanor, over to the Huffstutters for dinner in the Volvo. It is widely accepted that the Lynches dine at the Huffstutters quite often, where curious visitors note plentiful sides of red potatoes and the lapsed subscription to Wine Spectator.

Ottman speaks to Lion’s Club

Former LHS teacher, principal, athletic director, and superintendent Howard Ottman made a guest appearance at Lion’s Club this week to speak to the group about one of its most extraordinary members.

“Whenever anyone would disparage the journalistic discrepancies of the Examiner, school board member Jim Lynch chimed in that his late partner, Ted Conn, would always advise against arguing with a man who buys ink by the barrel,” Ottman said. (Good advice, that.)

“The Lakeview Lions Club received much recog­nition for the notable improvements it has made to the athletic fields of Lakeview High School,” Ottman con­tinued. “What it really boils down to is the Lynch broth­ers, Phil and Jim, decided something should happen.”

Ottman went on to describe the year some hot-shot sophomore track athlete transferred to LHS with talent no coach could misguide. Ottman said it was Phil who cornered him, the track coach and the athletic director, saying the way he saw it, if Lakeview couldn’t get a new track built sporting an athlete of this magnitude, it’d never happen. Ottman attended a summer workshop at the UO, Designing Athletic Facilities, and laid out his proposal to the school board. School board member Jim Lynch made a motion to approve the plan, hire a professional engi­neer and divide it up into workable components that might be taken on by local civic groups.

“After spending many years as a member of the Lakeview Lions Club, I have observed the way a quiet, unassuming leader leads others to great things,” Ottman said. “When Jim Lynch speaks, people listen. It was Jim and Phil who got that facility built, but Jim was the Lion’s Club member with the vision of how to best go about getting the job done. Sometimes, you have to look in the background to see those people, as they aren’t always the ones lining up for the picture taken by the guy who buys ink by the barrel.”

Judge throws out 20-year-old ‘buffoonery’ case

Cites ‘Conflict Of Interest, Ahem, No Crime In Good Clean Fun’

By I.M. JANESMAN
FOR THE ‘LUSH REVIEW

Lake County Circuit Judge Lane Simpson refused to hear arguments in a 20-year-old suit brought forth by the district attorney after the Acrimonious Press published an ar­ticle based on a first-person account of general buffoonery by upstanding Lake County citizens.

Judge Simpson origi­nally stated that by presiding over the case, he’d taint the due process of the law with his obvious con­flict of interest, and then, after an unex­pectedly roaring, hacking cough, or­dered the court re­porter to alter his statements to read, “There’s just no crime in good, clean fun.”

The case involves two drunken defense attorneys and a just-as­drunk district attorney who alleg­edly swiped a car and left several people afoot on a lonely stretch of highway without any booze in their possession to help them get home.

It recently came to light as one of the drunken attorneys, lately a bit less reckless even if not more so­ber, innocently divulged the story to a stunningly talented young jour­nalist looking for “birthday gift” fodder.

“I can’t remember the year or even who was President back then in 1980,” stated one of the former defense attorneys, whose name was not printed in the article as he spoke with the respected, award-winning journalist only on condition of anonymity, “But I do remember how Jim Lynch – got that? That’s L-Y-N-C-H, Jim – he used to bring a couple of bottles of Dubonnet ev­erywhere he went.

“Local attorney James C. Lynch, who has been practicing law under this alias for nearly forty years, in­sists he was visiting Paris at the time of the alleged incident. Unfortu­nately, corroborating witness David W. Maxey did not return calls made to his upscale Philadelphia law of­fice at 3 a.m. this morning. Though recollections of the anonymous source’s are fuzzy, the spellings of the names he wishes to smear are clear: Jim Lynch, local rancher’s boy gone off to college and returned respectable lawyer, and Neal Walker, former district at­torney for Lakeview in 1978, are impeccably pronounced and correctly spelled by the source.

The three “young” men, reportedly seen by witnesses leaving Mary Lynch’s house after a few cocktails to kick off the evening, attended a football game in Alturas, Calif. After the game, the trio found themselves “getting pretty dry” and stopped off at The Brass Rail, where they met five other folks (three men and two women) from Lakeview. After a few more drinks, the group agreed to meet at the Green Gardens in New Pine Creek on the way back to Lakeview.

“Jim bought three or four more bottles of Dubonnet,” the anony­mous source is said to have said, “and one of the men swiped one of the bottles. Well, you know Jim. There was a loooooooong conver­sation before it was agreed that the man would return the bottle if we agreed to stop on the road partway home to share another drink of Dubonnet with them.”

Having struck the bargain, the trio of attorneys stopped as promised six or eight miles south of Lakeview. “Jim asked me to let him out of the back seat of my car,” the anony­mous source· said. “The other five had exited their car. As the D.A. and I looked on in utter dismay, Jim walked right by the five that were coming to meet him for a friendly drink. He jumped into their car and drove it off at a high rate of speed. Now I’m not saying he was speeding. He just drove it off at a high rate of speed.”

“Not to leave sight of my boss, I took off at a high rate of speed to see where the hell Jim was going,” continued the anonymous source, whose identity is beginning to look a little familiar. “If you get the pic­ture, we left the five standing in the road, in the middle of the night, without any means of transporta­tion.”

The source said he followed Lynch all the way to Lakeview, where Lynch had ditched the car in a used car lot.

“When I drove up, he asked me where everyone else was,” the glaringly obvious former partner at Lynch & Simpson said. “l told them they were back there, standing alone and cold on the road. Jim looked at me, shocked. Then we had another drink. And then we decided to go get them. We went all the way back to New Pine Creek and never spot­ted them, not even while we were taking swigs from the bottle of Dubonnet and not even looking at the road, never mind who might be standing on the side of it.”

The Acrimonious Press reported that of the five left stranded on Highway 395 South, one lady hopped a ride with a complete stranger on a motorcycle and one man ran ahead, both looking to get to town quickly in order to fetch a car and return for the rest before the night of drinking was forced to pre­mature end. Those left behind suf­fered sore feet and ruined nylons.

“By the time we actually shared some Dubonnet with the three Sur­vivors, the gal who caught the mo­torcycle showed up with another rig,” said accounts from the anony­mous source. “I think we got home about 3 a.m.”

Judge Simpson, who was inter­viewed by the press as he left the courtroom Wednesday, said he based his decision to dismiss the case on the final location of the car, which was kindly disclosed to its owner when the last drop of Dubonnet was downed.

“No harm, no foul,” Simpson said, shrugged, and walked off in the way former defense attorneys-turned-judges do, with their arm held high in the air, hand just slightly over the back of their head to indicate they will entertain no more incriminating questions.